Who I am – Cyndi Baker’s story

My life began in 1968, when a married father raped his children’s teen-age babysitter in the family car.

The teen, scared and confused, is told she’s a slut and that she’s brought shame on the family. Her mother and grandmother repeatedly try at-home methods to abort the baby, but the pregnancy persists.

So at 16, the girl is forced to marry a boy she’s dated that the family has accused of being the father. That’s how my “family” got started.

I grew up hearing my father say, “I don’t even know that she’s mine!” And my mother would say, “You know, if abortion had been legal, you wouldn’t be here.”

Layer upon layer of unwantedness built up in my heart. I felt guilty for even having been born, for having ruined so many lives. I was rejected by my mother, hated and beaten by the only father I knew. I was broken. But I never knew why my father rejected me until as an adult, when the questions surrounding my paternity, long the subject of family gossip, was dangled in my face by a “concerned” cousin.

So at 38, a paternity test concluded that the gossip was true, and I found out the shocking truth of how I was brought into this world. What a crushing blow.

But now the beatings, the verbal abuse, the feeling of not fitting in, it somehow made sense. And I sunk even lower. I suffered from a deep ache, from feeling utterly unloveable because after all, how could anyone love someone as broken, dirty, horrible, bad, ugly, fat and disgusting as me? I felt unworthy of love.

But one day, God spoke to me and His words changed my heart forever.

He said, “They didn’t want you here, but I did! I knew you and the plans I had for you before you were born. I love you!”

I wondered how this could be. Surely God knew I wasn’t loveable. Surely He knew I was worthless.

But God spoke again. “Let me be your Daddy. Let me be the One you run to and call out to. Let me hold you when you cry, for I need to catch your tears! Let me show you what real love is. Let me be your rock and your fortress. Let me save you from yourself.  I love you and want more for you than anyone ever has. I love you!”

“But Lord,” I answered, “I am dirty!”

He said, “Let me make you clean.”

“But Lord!” I argued. “I am not worthy!”

He said, “You are in my eyes.”

“But Lord! I protested once again. “I am fat and ugly!”

He said, “You, my daughter, are beautiful to me. I have created you and formed you to be a beautiful woman filled with grace and mercy and kindness. And did you see those knockout eyes I gave you? My daughter, you are a treasure to behold!”

“But Lord,” I said. “So many have cast me away because I am so faulty and full of sin.”

He said, “My daughter, I died for your sins, remember? I would not have done that if I did not love you? You see, My love for you is deeper than anyone can perceive. I know people have cast you away. They cast Me away and when you love Me, sadly, it will happen to you, too. But remember this my daughter: I wanted you before you were born. I loved you before you were born. I knew everything about you and what I want for you and what I have for you. Let me love you! Let me be your All! I am not One who lies or fails. I will not falter and I will never leave you. You are mine. You are my treasure, my gem, my love.”

I listened. I heard. I took this all into my heart. I received it, and now… I am transformed.

I am beautiful. I am loved by a love that knows no limits. I am accepted.

That is who I am.

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8 Responses to Who I am – Cyndi Baker’s story

  1. astreater says:

    Cyndi-
    You are so brave to share this with the world. We’re grateful for what God has done in your life and for your wonderful family. You are a treasure, a jewel and a force of nature!
    We’re so happy you’re such a beautiful part of the New Life Church family. Keep singing!
    With love-
    Amie

  2. Angela =^) says:

    Cyndi, you are so awesome!!! It’s been amazing to watch you transform, and to form a friendship in the process. What an encouragement and source of joy you are! An inspiration to those around you. Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable. God will use every part we’re willing to let Him use… and it’s better when we’re willing to let Him use every part! Love you, girl.

  3. Marcia says:

    Cyndi- what a strong spokeswoman of God’s love you are!! I hope you see that as you open up each time to share your story. And I also pray that God would continue to open more doors for you to share about His love in your life!! So many in this broken world need to hear the voice of Jesus speaking intimately to them just like He did with you. love you, lots, and I’m proud to be your friend!! Isn’t it a beautiful thing that what we’ve been through in life doesn’t change one bit WHO we are? We are HIS. :)

  4. Marta says:

    You have the most captivating eyes I’ve ever known!
    We need to get together as soon as you are feeling better!! IJN!

  5. Amy says:

    Cindy ~ what an incredible testimony! When your beautiful heart accepts the love of our faithful God, what treasure is stored up in Heaven! He is enthralled by your beauty and you are His beloved! Isn’t that exciting! I don’t know you, but I’m so thankful for you!

  6. Traci says:

    Ah Cyndi,
    I love you hon! You are most definitely transformed. I did not know your story and I’m so proud to know you. You are a light that will not be snuffed out. Thank you for sharing your story and being open with all of us. I love you girl! And you will always be “Sassy!” It suits you :)

  7. Dusty Severn says:

    Cyndi you continue to be a blessing to us all. We want you to know that you are very important to us and impact with your kind and generous heart.

  8. Tracey Noesner says:

    Cyndi,
    Thank you for sharing your amazing testimony! Being vulnerable and open about where you came from is so healing, not only for you but everyone who reads it. Your testimony made me cry knowing how good our God is and how much He loves us…no matter what the world around us thinks! I love you and appreciate your heart for sharing this touching story! You are a wonder!
    Love,
    Tracey

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